Asian A Day Vol:3 Issue:1 “Back in Asian”

A big, massive, Godzilla sized KONNICHIWA to all our loyal, long lost and new Asian A Day readers. It has been a long time indeed since we were all joined in our Asian community but at long last…we are back! Back in Asian to be exact! It has been a long and trechorus path but finally, Asian A Day now has a legal work visa. It took many happy endings and many batches of won ton soup but we have made it. With constant support from our loyal readers and Asian celebrity superstars we were given the green Asian light to work legally in all countries. Immense domo arrigatous to you all. Here are just a few letters of support:

“I had a dream. It was a simple dream. That one day, my daily goings on and Asian goings on would somehow merge together. Then one day…ZANG! It happened. In fact Asian A Day happened. My life was happy, it was goin well. I got a promotion at work and my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Then Asian A Day stopped coming through to my emails. I lost my job, my wife left me for my brother and my baby boy became an hermaphrodite. I need Asian A Day in my life! Please bring it back!” – Brian Rodgers, Editor of The Sun.

“Please bring back Asian A Day…I havn’t been able to masturbate since it was cancelled…and my right hand just doesn’t seem as Asian anymore” – Chris Kamara, footbal pundit and new face of Ladbrokes.

“BRING IT BACK YOU BASTAAAAAAAAARRRDDSSS!!” – Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States of America

Domo aragatos once again to all our loyal fans. And now the moment of truth…everybody hold your breath and hope for all things Asian as you are transported through a wonderful world of zang and Asiany goodness… In this issue of Asian A Day, we meet too hot to handle Asian super model Chae Seon Hwa. Let’s see how her interview went with Asian A Day…

Konnichiwa Chae Seon Hwa! Infinite domo arigatous for allowing Asian A Day to interview you in our very special return issue Asian A Day: Back In Asian!

Konnichiwa Asian A Day…it is no problem at all! It is my greatest honour to be here and be part of your come back issue. For years my father and brothers would gather round the fireplace as my dear old grand ma-ma would read back issues of Asian A Day and oh how they would laugh! Of course, we were so poor back then that we could not afford a computer…we could only afford the internet, which we found out later is useless with out a computer to view it on. So my youngest brother Kim would travel for days to the nearest internet cafe and have the store clerk engrave the entire latest issue of Asian A Day on his chest with a chopstick.

Wow! Now that is a dedicated fan! We hope it was worth the pain!?

He died months after from internal bleeding…but his death was not in vain. We had his body skinned, laminated and put into an A4 ring binder and now we have a home made Asian A Day hard back book with all of the old issues!

We domo arigatou you for  your support! So what have you been up to in the past few months?

Well I have been quite the busy Asian bee! I’ve been modelling, doing tv commercials and I’ve also been acting along side childhood hero Danny Glover in his new film “Lethal Weapon 5: This Time The Black Guy Is Cooler”.  Oh he’s a riot….a laugh riot!! We would have such fun. I would take him on nights out purposely placing him in situations where he would have to say his famous catchphrases!

That sounds too hai-larious…please, go on…

Arigatou, I will. We sat down to play a board game one evening and I had purposely picked buckaroo, clearly a child’s game. Danny took one look at that “Ages 5-11″ sticker on the side of the box and…..”oh man, I’m too old for this shit!” Hehehe (shrill giggle)..classic Danny! Another day we were making lunch in his trailer and he was making a ham and cheese sandwhich. One look at the date on that cheddar and… “man that’s lucky…this cheddar’s only got one day till retirement!” Hehehe (giggles) I love that guy!

Now that IS good wholesome fun that all the Asian A Day family can enjoy! So we take it authentic Jew hater Mel Gibson is not in the new flick?

Ahhh…alas, he is not. I think he had schedule conflict. In fact, the rumour on the Asian street is that he is starring in a new film called “JEWS”. It’s a remake of the classic shark film “JAWS” but this time it’s with 100% less sharks…and 100% more Jews. Looks good!

Well Asian A Day will have to keep our Asian ear to the Asian streets about that film! Many domo arigatous once again Chae. We hope your new movie is of great success. “Lethal Weapon 5: This Time The Black Is Cooler” is out on the 20th December.

Asian Caption Corner! Zang!

“Park Ji Sung had smuggled Michael Owen into English lessons…again”

Think you can come up with a better caption…add it to the comments   at the bottom of the issue and you could be mentioned in the next issue of famous Asian newsletter; Asian A Day and also win a tshirt (still to be printed)!! Zang!

The winner will be picked before the next amazing issue of Asian A Day and will be selected by non other than Paulie’s robot from Rocky 4!

Check out the next issue to see if you’ve won!

Scandinasian Corner! Zang!

This  feature of our newsletter brings to light any Scandinavians living in Asia…or vice versa. If you’re a Scandinavian living in Asia or an Asian living in Scandinavia, we wanna hear about it!

This issue we catch up with professional lover of all things Asian…Owen Wilson! Owen Wilson san has been an Asian lover since his debut role in awesome Asian film “Shangai Noon” when he starred along side Asian legend and all round nice fellow; Jackie Chan. Mr Owen Wilson san was born in Scandinavia but now resides in the hustling bustling city of Hong Kong where he has opened his own public zoo! Like all zoos, people can sponsor and “adopt” an animal by making small donations, however the “Me, You and Dupree” actor had this to say; “The difference with my zoo is that when people make a donation and adopt a tiger or gorilla for example, they actually get to keep the animal! The number of times we’ve had calls with people screaming down the phone that they don’t know what to do with the tiger in their front garden is ridiculous! We had nineteen animal related deaths last year. It’s a pretty serious problem. I think I’m wanted by the authorities for man slaughter.”

Hahaha (Asian laugh)…when will people learn…DO NOT donate to charity! …Zang!

Sneaky Asian Corner…oooooh, look at ‘em sneak!

This edition to Asian A Day newsletter commits itself to finding forgotten Asian hotties in movies and TV shows. Asian A Day has been on the hunt…on the Asian hunt to be exact and we have the scent of an Asian celebrity hotty in our nostrils. Sniff sniff…sniiiiiiifff. “Fee Fi Fo Fum…I smell the blood of an Asian bathing in Won Ton!”…it’s Asian actress Maggie Q from Sky One HD TV show Nikita!!! (Asian applause)

Maggie Q Top 5 Facts!….

1. Maggie Q’s father was Vietnamese! Zang!

2. Maggie Q’s current ringtone is that song “Boom boom boom! Everybody say way-ooh (way-ooh!)”! Zang!

3. Maggie Q raped and pillaged a small town in Southampton in the early 90′s! Zang!

4. Maggie Q lived in Tom Selleck’s moustache for several months…but had to leave as the rent was too high.

…and finally, fact number 5…

Maggie Q does not breathe. At all. She is actually an artificial life form know as an android and requires no oxygen. When we have all died in years to come…Maggie Q will still walk the planet.

Zang!

Ask Maria Ozawa Corner! Zang!

Hello to my Asian A Day followers, I am soooo excited to be able to help out with anything that you want to ask me and will always give my honest opinion to help you with your problems!

Q- Maria, I’m having some trouble keeping my husband Enrique erect for longer than 5 mins. I mean, I know I haven’t been to the gym much in the last few years but I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. Can you help!?

M- Well you know us Asian girls have many Sakura tricks kept up our sleeves but thats not to say you can’t Asian yourself up too girlfirend. You could try some stockings and lots of mascara. Also, make sure you squeeze the tip of your husband’s chow trunk extra hard and don;t forget to play with his sweet and sour prawn balls… he’ll tell you when to let go and as we say in Japan… men cum first and last!

Q- Hi Maria, my name’s Rory Cumberland, I’m 19 from Minnesota and I have never been with an Asian girl before. I was wondering if u had any tips to give me so I can catch the Asian girl of my dreams?

M- Well Rory I am shocked! You sound like such a lovely guy and I’m sure it won’t be too long before you get your first taste of kung pao pie! You could try growing a moustache and maybe gettin a circumcision. The ancient scrolls of Siam tell stories of well hung men with handlebar moustaches and dangling half cut mushroom snakes having up to seven Asian wives at once!

What would you do without me?
See you next time
x Maria x

Well we hope you’ve enjoyed our very special come back issue and we know it’s been a while but here at Asian A Day…we promise to never let you down again. Don’t forget to subscribe in the box on the top right of this page to receive all new Asian A Day issues straight to your in box! Please please please show all of your Asian loving friends and add us on face book…just search for Asian-a Day on face book and add us! You’ll get all the latest Asian gossip, news and issues straight to your facebook! It’s as simple as building a massive long wall. Until next loyal subscribers san…
Sayounara