Asian A Day Vol:1 Issue:12 *Maria Ozawa Special Edition!*

Konnichiwa loyal Asian A Day readers san! We trust you a had an Asiany weekend!? Many many Asian apologies for the lack of issues recently but I assure you we are back and better than ever! This issue we have plenty of Asian goodness for you…we have an EXCLUSIVE, long awaited interview with smoking hotty Maria Ozawa! We give thanks to her hotness and have officially made this the “Maria Ozawa Special Edition!” We also have classic Asian A Day sections for you to look forward to! So enough jibber jabbering…let’s get on with the issue!

Konnichiwa Maria Ozawa sama! One thousand domo arigatous to you for this very exclusive interview with Asian A Day!

Douitashimashite Asian A Day. You have already helped my career progress by mentioning me in previous issues…this was the least I could do.

Well Maria, you are one of the worlds most famous and successful Asian adult entertainers…how did you get into the porn industry?

Ah well it’s a verrrry interesting story. I used to be a very timid person, I didn’t like the thought of sex at all. One day I went to my local Blockbusters to rent a VHS to watch with my Friday night curry and I thought I was renting “Ghostbusters” when in fact the clerk had given me the wrong video and I ended up renting “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Womb”. Well I popped that bad boy in expecting to see Bill Murray in overalls, but instead I got a man choking a woman with a whip whilst doing her violently from behind.

*Cough* Well who on Earth would want to watch that?! What did you do next…tell us slowly…

Well to my suprise…I was actually aroused! I really enjoyed the acting and the script that accompanied the film. I rushed straight out to the video store, totally ignoring my lamb madras which was getting cold on the kitchen counter, and I rented “Edward Penishands” and “White Men Can’t Hump”. I watched them both intently and I contacted the directors immediately to see if they would meet with me…and the rest is history!

Wow! So you shot to fame pretty much over night? What did your parents think?

Well I had quite a sheltered childhood. I was home schooled so my only friends were the one’s that I made up. I was not alone though. I would draw faces on pieces of fruit and other foods and they became my friends! I had Walter Watermelon, Orange Fandango, Grahame Grapes and let’s not forget Rumpelstiltskin Spaghetti-Hoops…I miss him most of all. I would steal all the fruit from the kitchen and over the course of a few short years I had an army big enough to rival China’s as they are also renowned for recruiting tinned fruit and other foods into their armed forces. From my bedroom in my house in central Japan, I launched an attack on the Chinese. It was quite a reality check when none of my soldiers actually marched or even moved for that matter…as I later found out…they were actually just bits of fruit. Unfortunately China had already launched several air attacks and both my parents were killed in fruit crossfire. My mother died from a nearby watermelon explosion whilst my father took a passion fruit to the skull and died instantly.

Well that truly is an unbelievable story!

Believe it.

We..we do. Thanks for your time today Maria, be safe and prosperous and have an amazingly Asian New Year!

Domo arigatou. Can I just give a shout out to my number one fan Alan Leehai who has followed my career since I started and domo arigatou Alan for the macaroni art work you sent of us making love on a sea turtles back…arigatou.

Asian Caption Corner! Zang!

“The beef noodles were a little over done…but Fireman Sam didn’t care”

Think you can come up with a better caption…add it to the comments at the bottom of the issue and you could be mentioned in the next issue of Asian A Day and also win a tshirt (still to be printed)!! Zang!

The winner of the last caption competition was….drum roll please….good old Asian A Day! That’s right…none of you pathetic readers could come up with something funnier than us so you lose losers! HAHAHAHA…zang.

Scandinasian Corner! Zang!

This is feature to our newsletter brings to light any Scandinavians living in Asia…or vice versa. If you’re a Scandinavian living in Asia or an Asian living in Scandinavia, we wanna hear about it!

This issue we meet up with Scandinasian in disguise, Renee Zellweger! The Hollywood Scandinavian actress lived in Japan until the age of 9 when she moved to live in America with her parents. Renee Zellweger is so busy with making new movies that she barely has anytime to herself but she tells Asian A Day that she still has time to go endangered seal hunting. “What I like to do is sneak up on the endangered seals when they are not looking and as I hold the crossbow to their heads I make them recite lines from my favourite films. There is nothing sweeter than hearing a seal pup who’s about to die say “I got one day till retirement Riggs. Ahh…I’m too old for this shit” before I unleash an arrow through their eye socket.” …Zang.

Sneaky Asian corner…oooooh, look at ‘em sneak!

Usually in this section we remember an Asian hotty that has sneaked off our screens but since this is the Maria Ozawa special edition issue then we have to dedicate this section to her! So here it is folks…five facts you didn’t know about Maria Ozawa!…

Maria Ozawa Profile…Top 5 Facts!

1. Maria Ozawa was born in Hokkaido in Japan, January 8th 1986! ZANG!
2. Maria Ozawa can down a pint of Calsberg in 1.6 seconds! ZANG!
3. Maria Ozawa can only eat with her hands as she finds it impossible to hold cutlery! ZANG!
4. Maria Ozawa once amazingly landed an airplane full of 150 panicking passengers…but later went on to murder every single one of them! ZANG!

…and finally, fact number 5…

Maria Ozawa once disguised herself as a starving African child just so that when Bono came to help her, she could punch him in the face! ZANG!

Ask Maria Corner! Zang!

This is a brand spanking new section to Asian A Day that gives any Asian A Day reader a chance to ask Maria Ozawa anything they like! Just add your question to the comment section and Maria will get back to you next issue!

Maria, I enjoy choking my girlfriend during sex but she doesn’t seem to enjoy it very much…is there a compromise? Do I have a problem? – Daniel, Alabama

Konnichiwa Daniel san. No there is nothing wrong with you. Being a bit forceful in the bedroom is a good way to show your partner how much they excite you. If your partner doesn’t like this then you could try slipping them some rohypnol before you get to the bedroom. This way, although they are conscious whilst choke them, they are powerless to do anything about it and best yet…they won’t remember a thing. That is what true love is all about. Hope this helps!

Maria Ozawa xxx

Well we hope you enjoyed this very special issue of Asian A Day. Remember if you liked it then when why not spread the word on face book! Change your status or just mention it in passing to several of your friends! Until next time loyal subscribers san…

Sayounara